Hate my body. Hate my figure.
Yes, all these songs about loving your body size even if you aren’t are a size 2 are good, but why do some people feel the need to shame skinny people, in order to make bigger people feel better. Why do some people feel the need to says things like “men love real women with curves”, aren’t we “skinny bitches” real women too? Or only dogs chase after bones, men want meat. I am being constantly told to “go eat something” or “do I know what a burger is?” Or “put some weight on girl” or even “go grow an ass” so I fill out my jeans. I know I don’t have curves, I don’t have boobs, and I don’t have a butt, and I hate it, you don’t need to constantly remind me. Yet at the same time, I feel pressured by society to have to love my body because I’m skinny. I can’t bring up in conversation that I hate my weight, because the only response I get is “but your skinny, you have all you could possibly want”. I can’t possibly hate my weight because I can fit into a size 6. Every single day my mind is torn between wanting to put weight on, so I get can get an ass, boobs and some curves, and wanting to lose weight, because I feel I should be skinnier. Yet my figure is “perfect” so why should I feel this way?
I want to cry and I don’t know why
I feel lost, and overwhelmed which is leading to me feeling panicky. I don’t know who I am, or who I want to be anymore.
- You are stronger than you realise.
- You are crueller than you realise.
- The smallest words will break your heart.
- You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
- People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
- You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
- You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
- You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
- Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
- Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
- You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
- Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
- You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
- Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
- You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
- You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
- You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
- Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
- People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
- You will be okay.
- You will be okay.